So this is it?
by chasinggpavements
Summary: rufus/lily drabbles.
1. Yesterday

Yesterday.

It was like yesterday. She was lying in Rufus' bed. He wrapped his arms around her from behind, his thumb caressing her arms. She could feel his chest hair tickling agains her smooth back. His hot breathe at her ear, his teeth slightly nibbling at her earlobe. He feathered kisses on her neck, his stubble slightly scratching her sensitive skin.

She just wanted to cherish that moment a bit longer, feeling his heart beat against hers. His chest heaved up as he started to say something.

„You...you're going to stay with him, aren't you?", he asked quietly, afraid of the answer he dreaded.

Instead of that answer there was silence.

She hated him for destroying her bubble of joy, which she just felt laying in bed with him. But she had to admit that most of the times, she was her own enemy.

_This is the way that we love,_

_like it's forever _

_then live the rest of our life,_

_but not together_


	2. Relax

**Relax**

She was anxious, always been. Or well she had been really laid back once, but that was a long time ago.She sometimes wished she could delete it out of her memory. 'Cause it always reminded her of what she passed up all those years ago.

She realized the morning after she left him that she was tense. She tried to calm herself with yoga but it never really went away It was horrible feeling near a breakdown all the time. It was hard for her to seem composed while a storm tormented her soul _all the time_.

She hated herself for being so powerless, not having her feeling under control (But to be honest, who had them under control?! Of course it was expected that _Lily Van der Woodsen_ had.)

And then she just had to jump back into his arms. She felt like a nervous wreck again the second he turned his back on her (after she told him she'd still marry Bart..)

There was one big problem with not being with him. She only felt completely content when his arms (we're not talking about her fiancee's arms, see_ that _was the problem) were wrapped around her frame.


	3. Love l

**A/N so i have two drabbles to the prompt "love" one with Lily's POV and one with Rufus' POV. But both are not coherent, just that this is clear, actually none of those drabbles are somehow connected at all.**

She really loved him, in a big, big way. But saying it out loud? A whole other thing. She knew from the very beginning that he was _it_ for her (She knew, but she thought she could get over it._ Wrong._) She just tried to shove it back into a place in her mind, she would never have to cross again.

That her daughter was with his son just made it (more) difficult.

That she could see in Serena and Dan what she and Rufus' could've been, broke her (already fragile) heart.

It started when Dan first mentioned Lincoln Hawk, her heart cracked a bit. (She thought how silly it was being sad just because someone mentioned _his_ band)

Her heart continued to crack as Serena & Dan went serious. Not that she wasn't glad that her daughter was able to experience _that_ kind of love, but she constantly thought about her & Rufus', because of their kids.

Her heart _compeletly_ broke when she saw Rufus' and Bex kissing in the middle of Brooklyns' streets. (She wanted to visit him, finally tell him those three precious words...but she guessed she wouldn't have the guts anyways.) It was the day Lily van der Woodsens' heart was shattered in thousand pieces, the day her heart died.


	4. Love ll

**A/N That one got really short and and i'm not fully satisfied with it. but i just though i'd post it. more coming soon.**

Not like Lily, Rufus' never had a problem to express his love (well at least not to Lily. Allison almost broke up in their early years because he couldn't say he loved her...)

Back then, when he was an upcoming Rockstar, not one groupie even had a slight chance. It was said that he was prude, boring because of that weird girl from the _Upper East Side_. He just let them talk, 'cuz deep in his heart Lily was the one. Every concert he played, he dedicated it to her. Cherishing her wih his songs he had written for her.

After she broke up with him (he never really got over that, not that _he_ would ever admit it) he never really played a concert again (at least not with that fiery passion he had back then)


	5. Baby

The Baby.

She was first pregnant at the age of 20. She took the pill,but unfortunatly she must have forgotten it once. (And how they were going at it, it just _must_ have happened.) When she discovered why her period wasn't coming, she already ended things with him. She didn't tell her mother anything, just slipped out of her appartement and went back to his welcoming arms. She was forcing herself to tell him, but the words were never spoken. One night, she simply fled, from him, from her mother, from her life. She couldn't bare to look into his eyes again and leave him, so the dark night was an inviting option. She constantly thought about the life growing in her. She was surprised he didn't recognize the change of her body. (Everyday she could see herself gain weight and she hated it more than anything) But to be fair, they never _really_ did it after she came back and she wouldn't let him touch her.

So she cried for godknows how long in that filthy, little motel room and then decided to get an abortion. She checked in that clinic and went over it, crying the whole time, but she never ever doubted her decision (at least not back then...) She still went back to her mother and began climbing up the social ladder. She never lost a word about those weeks she was gone. The only thing that reminded her of her loss, were the dreams which haunted her with that cute, little baby who had a face just like him.

Now, when she thinks back, she mourns for the loss of their baby, for the loss of him. (She doesn't even want to imagine his reaction when he'd find out that he could've been the father of _their_ kid.) 20 years later the w_hat if's _are still flying around in her mind.


	6. Volcano

What I am to you is not real.

She wasn't the person he thought she was. She wasn't the person that she was (or acted to be) over 20 years ago. She wasn't the person he fell in love with. She wasn't the person he missed. She simply wasn't _that_ person.

But he loved her no matter what, no matter how she acted to be, he'd still see through her well built facade. He'd see a glimpse of the old Lily once in a while. Him knowing that there still was a bit of the old Lily in her, just made it worse (meaning that she acted like back then, like the old herself.)

No matter how hard she tried to deny that she actually was that person she loathed, she never succeeded.

(She never really admitted to herself why she hated her old self, but deep down, and we're talking about _really deep down_, she did because the old Lily was so weak when it came to _him_.)


	7. Heart shaped

**A/N:** I know there are some people out there reading this but i'm only receiving very few reviews. I will still update (if i get one done) but critism and all is appreciated!

The heart-shaped tatoo.

You think you have her, when she kisses you. You think that it can't get any better, when her hands roam your body and she pushes you to your car.It does get better when you're in that hotel bed (You actually have to laugh at the irony that it was_ his _hotel later on) and you kiss the same places you did 20 years ago.

You love that she still has the little heart-shaped tatoo (which you chose for her). When you realize that those bite marks and hickeys on the left side of her pelvis are from _him, _you decide you'll do the same just where the tatoo is. So you suck and bite the right pelvis side like your life depended on it. You love the way she screams your name (she always was a screamer) and you can't help it and love her just a little bit more.

When you realize that she would still leave you after tonight you become more aggressive, the tender touches become rough and the sweet kisses are replaced by fiery ones. You hope _he_ gets that she's still yours when he sees the marks you left on her body on their wedding night. You don't let her rest until she's sweating, panting and simply hasn't got anymore strenght. She falls asleep quick and unlike her (at least the UES Lily you know) she cuddles into you and burys her head into your chest. You can't sleep, you try to concentrate on her steady breathing but everytime you do something distracts you. Like how _he_ will hear her shallow breathing every night or how _he_ will be able to _touch_ her while you can only lie in bed and dream of it.

It's driving you furious and in the end, you decide, the only thing you can do is to enjoy every moment she gives you. And by trailing soft kisses over her tatoo, you wake her up again.


	8. Wreck of the day

A/N: so a drabble after a long time. May be spoilery for 2x04. This was inspired by wreck of the day by anna nalick. And if you may know the song you'll notice that i also stole a Line..

She never called him. Somehow she always ended up in situation like this. Cell in her hand, a blanket wrapped around her and occasionally there was also tissue paper involved, just like now. She was always just a click away from calling him. _Always_. But she never ever called him. And if she did click that little green button, she hung up even before the first ring.

She didn't call him when she held their baby a last time before giving her away for adoption. Although that was all she could think about. To be finally able to share her pain.

She didn't call him when she graduated from college.

Altough that was all she could think about. To be able to share her happiness.

She didn't call him after her first marriage or divorce.

She just never called him.

Even though she knew that if she called him, he'd be there as fast as he could.

And now she was too afraid to call him. She rejected him after that night. After his speech in the bride's room.

She knew how much she hurt him, hell even she was hurt and she wasn't the one to be told that she was still loved but would marry another one.

So she just went to him. They went to that diner. And she just loved it. Loved being able to talk to him about _(almost)_ everything. Loved his presence.

And then she had this stupid illusion she could somehow start a friendship with him. She went to his place with her favourite movie and his favourite wine. And was rejected the most horrible way ever.

She saw his new girlfriend. She now knew how wrong she was with thinking she knew how much he hurt when she went with Bart. Because seeing them together was like a knife stabbing into her heart over and over again.

She should have called him. That would've spared her with those pictures in her head.

He wasn't the love of her life.

_No._

Because Love doesn't hurt, so she knew she was just falling apart.


	9. Raindrops

Raindrops

He hated the rain, more than anything. Everytime the rain poured down on him, the raindrops ruthlessly falling on him, it reminded him of _that_ day, _that_ situation.

He remembered every single trivial detail of it. Even though he tried not to think about it, the wounds opened every time something remotely similar happened.

Just like now, when he was standing in the rain in the middle of New York's streets, he just had to think about it.

Had to think about how he ran after her, how he chased after her when she was long gone, how he broke down in the middle of the street crying. How the raindrops felt like knives that stabbed right into his heart.

He hated raindrops, more than anything.


	10. I am here still waiting

A/N: a very short one again. in fact it's one i wrote ages ago but idk why i didn't upload it earlier. read and review please?

**I am here still waiting.**

She disappeared without a word. He was worried sick, all her stuff was still in their apartement. It felt like she could come home any minute. He looke for her in all her hiding spots, asked her friends but she was nowhere to find. Desperatly he even went to her mother and she just slammed the door back into his face. And then he knew, he knew that he lost her. He still tried to track her down, waited for her at her new apartment, called her. But apparently she was better in hiding than he thought. All he ever saw was a glimpse of her.

There was one time where he could just look into her puffy, but still beautiful eyes. He liked to believe that he saw regret.


End file.
